If I Knew Then

My therapist once told me that things are going to get much worse before they get better, and she unfortunately was correct. My life lately has been miserable in a way I haven’t experienced before. Getting my diagnosis was great because I now know what’s happening and how to help myself, but it’s also been really hard. I’ve had a particularly hard time believing that I’m sick. Up until recently, a lot of the things I did were things I considered to be normal, which I’m now finding out are just symptoms of my disorder. It’s hard to cope with the idea that although I can feel better and get treatment, it’s never actually going to go away. It’ll be something that I’ll have to work really hard, every day of my life to fix. That in itself has been hard to grasp. 

When I was a kid I never imagined this is what I would be dealing with in my 20s. I thought I would have kids, or a family, or travel the world. Not going to therapy twice a week and taking a cocktail of medications. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know there are people who are going to have it worse, but it feels like my entire world has been upside down for years and now I need to figure out how to turn it around. 

Going to therapy and DBT has shown me how fragile relationships and friendships can be, and how in the past, I wasn’t doing the best I could to nurture those relationships. Dating has always brought out the worst in me and I never understood where my behavior was coming from. I’m looking forward to growing healthy relationships now that I am more self aware. I just wish it was easier, but nothing in life comes easy and somethings are worth working for.