If I Knew Then

The last few months have been filled with questions about what medications I’m on, what therapy works best for me, and what problems I need to target. There was a while there where I felt like I was finally improving. I had more energy during the day, my mood was consistently better, and my mood swings were down in severity. I thought that I was finally “cured” of BPD and I could catch my breath.

False alarm.

Turns out that yes, I was doing better, but we couldn’t address the actual symptoms of BPD because I wasn’t being triggered to react. Relationships are typically a trigger for those with BPD, especially when you have attachment issues. And it just happens to be my biggest trigger of all.

Although I haven’t been in a relationship in quite some time, using dating apps and getting to know people still trigger a reaction out of me. I’m paranoid when someone takes a long time to respond, I get nervous and assume someone hates me if they don’t bring up making plans, and I take everything they say and pull it apart until I convince myself of something bad. It’s an exhausting cycle to overcome for me but also my partner. Imagine you are dating someone who is constantly questioning your feelings or assuming that you’re leaving them. Although I don’t do any of it on purpose, I understand why some people would avoid it, and although I don’t agree with discriminating in that sense, it still happens.

Recently I went on a date with a guy I met on Bumble. I can’t remember how it came up ahead of time but the topic of me having BPD came up. I didn’t think much of it until he made a comment saying he would still like to meet me even though I’m “crazy.” Because I’m too nice and can’t say no, I still went on a date with him but I haven’t heard from him since. My assumption is that he didn’t want to deal with me and the disorder. As surprising as it may be, this didn’t trigger a reaction out of me but it is probably because I split on him after he called me crazy. This may have preserved my feelings from getting hurt but it didn’t help to address any of my problems.

My therapist tells me that we won’t know exactly what we’re dealing with until I start dating someone and my symptoms come out. Nowadays, there is a large hook up culture so that task is harder than ever. Even when talking to people on dating apps, I still get nervous thinking that once I get excited about them working out, it’ll all hit the fan. This type of paranoia haunts me day to day and it may be subconsciously sabotaging my relationships. Healing is still a work in progress and although this was a false alarm, I know one day I’ll be able to heal fully.