If I Knew Then

If there is one thing I can take away from this year, it’s that you have to take things day by day. I started my recovery journey last year and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t doing better than I was before I started seeking treatment, but I would also be lying if I said I’m 100% in remission. There are days where life seems easy and enjoyable, and others where the weight of the world is too hard to carry. And I guess with BPD, that is a very common feeling.

When I first started to question if I had BPD, I was nervous and scared of how people would react. Once I was officially diagnosed, I didn’t want anyone to find out I had BPD because I didn’t want it to be something held against me. But the first step to healing is to take accountability, and I realized quickly that a lot of the things I was doing just weren’t right or fair to those around me. I was quick to anger, would belittle people, and would push people away or become distant. I would also convince myself that the only way people would love me is if I gave them what they wanted, but my dating history proves this to not be true. I slowly but surely began to tell people I have BPD, and it was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe for the first time, and that finally the things I had been feeling for years were being validated. I didn’t expect the amount of support I got, both from my friends and family and also the online BPD community. I was quickly shown books and other resources I could look into to understand my disorder better. My friends and family were open to hearing about what was going on in my life and gave me practical and valuable advice. I found a therapist that I know cares about my recovery. This has helped my recovery immensely, and I couldn’t be happier with the support I’ve been given.

The hardest part of recovering, is accepting the fact that it will not be a linear path. There are days where I feel really good, and days where I don’t feel well at all. When I met with my psychiatrist, she recommended I start medication immediately and it has helped immensely. But a lot of the work that needs to be done to feel better, is work I have to do myself, not something medicine can fix. At the start of my journey I was doing individual therapy and DBT group therapy. For those 8 weeks of DBT, I was struggling and gasping for air. It was an overwhelming experience on top of individual therapy, but one that I needed to experience so that I could better understand my emotions. It was very traumatic to see that a lot of what I was feeling were just misplaced emotions. It made me question everything I had done, and the validity of my feelings. Although it was a difficult experience, it has helped me understand more about myself and has given me the tools to try to be successful. Reframing your way of thinking is very important when you have BPD, and a tool that will come in handy when you feel those intense emotions.

My journey to recovery has been difficult but also really satisfying and worth all of the pain I might’ve experienced. It can take a long time to admit you need help, or even accept help from those around you, but with BPD, fostering relationships and accepting support are two things that will heavily impact your recovery. My recommendation to those starting their recovery journeys is to start small and take it day by day. You will not accomplish what you want if you try to rush to the finish line. You have to be accepting of the fact that life is not linear and there will always be ups and downs, but it is what we do with those obstacles that defines us. Work on accepting and asking for help, and surround yourself with people who value you and respect you. There will always be days where life gets hard, but that doesn’t mean it has to continue that way. And on top of that, always remember that your feelings are valid and you will always feel things, but it is the way you respond that will make an impact.